


This Is Not Real

by neon_lights21



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Crying, Dreams, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fever, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Science Fiction, Suicide, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 12:39:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15930632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neon_lights21/pseuds/neon_lights21
Summary: It was not the first time Jinyoung had dreamed about weird things, but this time it was different. These dreams, or nightmares, were too vivid, too realistic. He can't stop thinking about them and it's affecting his daily life. But why has he suddenly started dreaming about his parallel self?





	1. Dream one, day one

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first GOT7 fanfiction woohooo!  
> I hope you enjoy it :)

Jinyoung watched as Yugyeom messed up his move for the umpteenth time during practice.

_Gosh, that boy is annoying._

“I think it would best if we wrapped up for today,” their choreographer said.

“I’m really sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me today,” Yugyeom mumbled an apology.

Jinyoung felt anger rise up in his chest as he heard Yugyeom.

“Well maybe you should have tried harder and practised yesterday instead of slacking off at the dorm,” he shot back in a venomous tone.

Yugyeom cast his eyes down guiltily and he avoided looking at everyone.

“Come on you know he was sick. And he still is. There's nothing he can do about it,” BamBam defended his best friend.

“He can’t even look me in the eye! Of course, this means that he was faking! You know, just because you’re the youngest doesn’t mean you can ditch practice.”

“I know you’re tired Jinyoung, but don’t be ridiculous. Everyone works hard here,” Jaebum said in a tired voice.

“Doesn’t feel like it though. Besides, why can’t he defend himself? Does he use that big mouth of his only to annoy us and be rude? Maybe that’s the reason your poor mother killed herself. She didn’t even leave a note for you because she didn’t think you deserve the truth.”

_I didn't want to say that._

A heavy silence fell upon the room. Yugyeom’s head shot up at that remark. There were many emotions in his eyes: anger, surprise, sadness, resentment. He smiled.

“Well, aren’t we going home?”

Yugyeom left the practice room looking surprisingly calm and collected. BamBam glared at Jinyoung with disgust evident in his eyes and hurriedly followed Yugyeom along with Youngjae. Everyone else turned to look at Jinyoung.

“I thought you just didn’t like us and that's understandable. We're only a bunch of strangers thrown together by JYP. You weren’t even that bad in the beginning. But now all I see is an insensitive, narcissistic asshole who has a very high opinion of himself and doesn’t care who he puts down as long as he is successful. This shit has been going on for way too long. You should be ashamed of yourself,” Jackson paused to catch his breath ”and you, Jaebum, you’re supposed to be the leader and cut our bullshit, but you’re just standing there doing nothing like an idiot.”

“Do not speak to me like that. I will talk to Jinyoung and Yugyeom once everybody has calmed down. Besides, I’ve already got my share of bullshit from Jinyoung. Everyone has.” Jaebum didn't even try to keep the spite out of his voice. He felt numb and tired and resentful at the same time. He didn't really care about the tension between them anymore. He knew he would, eventually, but the situation seemed hopeless to him.

_Maybe this is the breaking point for us. We’re gonna disband._

“Let's get in the car and go home guys. I think everyone is overworked and stressed,” their manager intervened.

Jinyoung smirked. _As if that’s the problem._

 

_(I am.)_

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

Jinyoung woke up with a start. For a moment he didn’t understand why he couldn’t see anything. Then he realized that he must have been dreaming. His heart was pounding in his chest and he had a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach. He blindly searched for his phone on his nightstand.

_3:26_

_Too early to get up._

Jinyoung went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. His hands were trembling and he almost dropped the glass he was holding. He tiptoed back to his room and tried to fall asleep again, but he couldn’t stop thinking about the dream. He had dreamed about worse things but not this vividly and realistically.

_This one was just weird._

Jinyoung continued ruminating about his dream while tossing and turning in his bed until sunrise.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

He was distracted and tired during breakfast. At one point he started staring at nothing with his mug still hanging mid-air in his hand.

“Still not awake?” Jaebum asked with amusement in his eyes.

“Huh?”

Jaebum just chuckled.

“Apparently not. Anyway, we gotta get going in 15, so hurry up.”

“What? Where do we need to go? I thought we didn’t have any schedule today!”

Jaebum gave him a weird look

“Uh no, we have dance practice today. Are you feeling ok?”

“Yeah… I just need another cup of tea, I guess. And I must've looked at the wrong day.”

_Weird._

Jinyoung could have sworn that he had checked their schedule the night before and they didn’t have anything planned for that day.

"Seriously hyung? I thought you were always annoyingly meticulous about schedules and everything," said Yugyeom with a mischievous smile.

Jinyoung glared at him, which caused Yugyeom to start laughing hysterically.

_I need to get a grip. After all, it was just a dream._

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

The ride home was extremely awkward. No one dared to break the silence that reigned the tense atmosphere in the car. Jinyoung was on his phone scrolling aimlessly through twitter. He sighed and put his phone away, closing his eyes. Yugyeom had put on his headphones, not wanting anyone to talk to him. Not that it made a difference. Nobody would have approached him anyway.

“Turn the fucking volume down, would you? I’m trying to sleep here and I can here your music from here,” Jinyoung snarled.

“That's enough. Stop acting like children. This behaviour is hurting the band and everyone else can sense it. Once we get home, talk about your issues like the grown adults you are, otherwise, you’re gonna tear the band apart, along with your own jobs and careers and whatever dreams you have,” the manager scolded them.

“As if anyone cares about the band anymore. We’re not going to last much longer anyway. There’s BamBam who doesn't do anything besides looking cute. Then there’s Jackson whose only contribution is being loud and fake, not to mention a crybaby. Oh, I almost forgot Yugyeom. He... well... he does nothing. He’s just _there_ ,” Jinyoung started to rant animatedly. He had a twisted feeling inside of his stomach he had never felt before. It was like his mind was repelling his body.

He didn’t belong _there_.

Jackson looked ready to slap him. He couldn’t believe his own ears. Jinyoung was always insulting them but he had never been this obnoxious and rude. Jackson couldn’t help but feel like there was more to it than just annoyance this time. However, his anger got the best of him.

“Do you realize we just tolerate you? I’m surprised you didn’t get kicked out of the band long ago with all this bullshit. What are you, the CEO’s illegitimate son? I wouldn’t be amazed if it were true since you’re a hoe jus-" Jackson was interrupted by Yugyeom’s shout.

“Just stop it!”

He sucked in a few breaths and started sniffling. His head was pounding from all the emotions he was trying to keep at bay. He couldn't cry. Not in front of them.

“Oh, now our baby boy is crying. Why don’t you go mommy for comfort?” Jinyoung muttered.

He hated himself for saying that.

 

* * *

* * *

 

Jinyoung was startled awake by someone screaming. He looked around dazed and confused. Everyone was laughing except for Jackson who looked very unimpressed. Jinyoung couldn’t understand. They were arguing not a moment before and now they were laughing like there was no tomorrow. Was this some kind of hidden camera prank?

_Oh. Dreams._

He had the same uneasy feeling as when he had woken up in the middle of the night. Jinyoung looked at Jackson who was trying to defend himself indignantly.

“What’s going on? Why were you screaming?”

“We were just trying to compliment Jackson hyung, but he didn’t take it very well,” BamBam said while struggling to contain his laughter.

“You call that a compliment? Oh my God I don’t even know how I survived for YEARS with you around!”

This caused another bout of laughter among the other members. Jinyoung rolled his eyes. He wanted to smile but that feeling was preventing him from experiencing any emotion other than pure dread. And he didn’t know why. Instead, he tried to distract himself by glaring at Jackson.

“Next time make sure you don’t wake me up, or you're dead.”

“But it wasn’t my fault, was it??”

“You were the victim, therefore it was your fault.”

“Oh now we’re victim shaming! You are unbelievable.”

To BamBam and Yugyeom's delight, Jackson and Jinyoung continued to bicker until they arrived at the studio. Dance practice went very well and, as usual, they were all exhausted by the end.

"I think that’s enough for today. Great job," said the instructor.

Everyone flopped dramatically to the ground, groaning and breathing heavily.

“So what’s for dinner?”

“Food..?”

“Eh, stop it. You’re already giving me a headache. We’ll order take-out.”

“Are you going to pay, Jinyoung hyung?”

Everybody turned their heads to him, but Jinyoung remained silent. He was completely spaced out. Mark, who was the closest to him, reached out and touched his bandmate’s shoulder.

“Hey, are you listening?”

Jinyoung was startled by the touch.

“Aish, don’t scare me like that!”

“I was saying, are you gonna pay for our food, hyung?”

“Yeah, everyone’s except yours.”

BamBam pouted but soon he erupted into laughter. Jinyoung got up, ready to head for the car, but  everything sp un around for a moment. He steadied himself by leaning on his knees. Jinyoung closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths.  Jaebum ran his eyes over him.

“Are you feeling alright?” he asked, slightly concerned.

“Just a bit dizzy. I think I trained too hard,” Jinyoung said with a sheepish grin.

_ Of course I wasn’t thinking about the dreams. Why would I? It’s just stress getting to me. _

Jaebum gave him a sympathetic smile and patted his back.

“Well, you could rest in the car for a while.”

 

* * *

* * *

 

Jinyoung, Yugyeom and Jaebum were sitting on the leader’s bed looking at each other awkwardly. Jaebum had asked them to go to his room in order to talk about the argument that had been blown out of proportion right after dance practice.

“Well? If you’re expecting me to apologise, we can all leave because I’m not gonna do it. I didn’t do anything wrong,” Jinyoung said.

Yugyeom looked down at his hands, not saying a word. Jaebum sighed deeply and rubbed his face with his hand.

“Look, I’m not asking you two to get along, but I want you to at least try to respect each other. For you, Jinyoung, this means that you have to apologise to Yugyeom.”

“What about him? Doesn’t he have to apologise to all of us for messing up so many times? Not just today, but all the fucking time.”

Silence. Jaebum could sense the tension surrounding Yugyeom as he looked Jinyoung straight in the eye.

_This is it. I’m not taking any more shit from him. This is what I’ve wanted for months. He’s not gonna take this one away from me._

He let his hand fall into his hoodie’s pocket onto a sharp, cold metal object. The pressure from every single problem in his life was stifling him. It all crept up to him so sneakily that he didn’t understand what was happening to him until it was already killing him inside.

“Do you hate me?”

“Yes, I do. I imagine there are many people who hate you right now. You know your mum carved the word _son_ in her own skin before hanging herself? I guess this should give you an idea on how much your own mother liked you, let alone other people.”

_No no no no not again. I didn’ t mean to. I didn’t want to._

Jaebum felt rage rise up in his chest throat head until it was radiating off him in waves. He stood up and looked at Jinyoung with piercing eyes.

“This is it. That’s enough. Don’t you realize how insensitive everything you’re saying is? If you hate everyone, then why do you insist on staying in the band?”

_Because this is my life._

“Oh so now _I_ should leave the band? Why don’t you say this to him? He is the reason why we’re having this conversation in the first place!”

“I won’t because he is not the one making everyone’s lives miserable. What happened to the Jinyoung that used to be my brother during our rookie days? The one that used to actually care about people?”

Yugyeom took a deep breath. He had made his decision. He clutched the object in his pocket harder until it made his hand bleed. It felt good. Not that it mattered anymore. He looked at his fuming bandmates.

“It’s ok, Jaebum hyung. You don’t have to worry about this anymore.”

“I do. I really do,” Jaebum shouted.

“Well, at least not about me. Neither do you, Jinyoung hyung.”

Yugyeom had a soft smile on his face, one that actually reached his eyes for the first time in months. His eyes glimmered eerily.

“I’m going away.”

“What?” Jaebum asked, confused. Yugyeom couldn’t just leave them like that. Not after all they had been through together to be were they were at the moment. “You can’t leave the band because Jinyoung is being an asshole! We can work this out together.”

Jinyoung, on the other hand, felt something was amiss. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but something sinister had crept into Yugyeom’s words and it lingered in the air. Yugyeom was already heading for the door.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going? I'm not done with you two yet!” Jaebum was very frustrated. His head was pounding with anger and he felt it was _really_ unfair that he was in charge of dealing with his bandmates’ childish behaviour. However, before he even had the chance to stop Yugyeom, the maknae had already slammed the door shut. Jaebum let out a growl.

“What the fuck is your problem? Why-” Jaebum stopped talking and took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. “Jinyoung, I know you weren’t exactly thrilled to join GOT7 and you haven’t been very happy, but these past few months you’ve been treating everyone awfully. To be honest, I’m really tired of it, too. So please, tell me what’s been going on with you,” Jaebum looked at his friend with pleading eyes.

“None of your fucking business,” Jinyoung said with disdain, “you need to stop worrying about me. I’ll fix it on my own.”

“Don’t be so stubborn and selfish I’m just trying to fucking help! Can’t you see it’s affecting everyone around you? Christ, I’m done with you.”

For a second, hurt flashed through Jinyoung’s eyes, but then they went back to their resentful expression.

_ No, you don’t have the right to feel hurt after all you’ve said and done. _

“Great. Can I go now?” Jinyoung smirked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! <3  
> If you noticed any errors please don't hesitate to let me know. This is gonna be a multi-chapter work but I'm not sure how long it will be. Let me know what you think about this fic. :)


	2. Fever, or not?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING FOR GRAPHIC DEPICTION OF SUICIDE  
> Well, another chapter since the demand was so high. Just kidding lol. Anyway, I've had this chapter ready for 3 weeks now, but I thought it was too short. But school didn't want me to continue it, so I'm just gonna post it as it is. Enjoy! :)

“Come on Yugyeom! You’ve been in there for 15 minutes. I need to use the toilet,” Jaebum said while pounding on the bathroom’s door, but there was no answer. He was starting to worry that something had happened to Yugyeom.

“Leave him be. Maybe he’s crying in there,” Jinyoung said from a couch not far from Jaebum. Everyone else had retreated to their rooms.

“I wonder why that is.”

Jaebum turned the door knob. He didn’t expect the door to open and he was fairly surprised to see that Yugyeom hadn’t locked the door.

“Alright, I’m coming in.”

He slowly cracked the door open, ready to close it again, but Yugyeom didn’t object. Jaebum was standing in front of Yugyeom, who was sitting calmly on the toilet sit. His arms were covered in blood, slowly dripping to the floor. Jaebum was frozen in shock and horror as Yugyeom looked at him with a hollow expression, tears tracks still visible on his face.

“Wha- What the FUCK ARE YOU DOING?” Jaebum shouted, his voice cracking.

He knew he had to do something to stop the bleeding. To stop Yugyeom from bleeding out. From _dying_. But he was shaking. He couldn’t think straight. He suddenly felt like he had been tied to a thousand stones that were dragging him down, down, and deeper down in the water…

Jinyoung flinched at Jaebum’s shout, and stood up from the couch to investigate. He squeezed himself in the bathroom next to Jaebum. He was met with the horrifying sight of his youngest bandmate bleeding out in the cramped bathroom. He felt lightheaded. He needed some fresh air. Anything to get that image out of his head.

_I can’t just leave him alone like this._

But his feet were still glued to the ground.

Jaebum was the first to gain some composure and he took a few steps towards Yugyeom. He stopped when the maknae suddenly sprang up and held his left hand in front of him. He held the razor to his neck.

“Do… not come near... me,” Yugyeom said. His breathing was laboured and he was pale.

Jaebum watched as he swayed on his feet.

“Please, Yugyeomie, we need to get you to a hospital. P-put the razor down. We’ll talk about this after getting you help,” Jaebum said in a surprisingly soft tone. He took a tentative step towards Yugyeom, but he backed off and pressed the razor harder against his neck, enough to draw blood.

“He’s right Yugyeom. Just put that razor down and let us take you to the hospital. Please. I’m sorry for everything. Just let us help,” Jinyoung tried to convince him.

“No. Fuck you.”

Yugyeom slid the razor across his neck, creating a deep wound. Blood started gushing out like a crimson curtain. A few seconds later, Yugyeom was already on the ground. Jaebum and Jinyoung recoiled in horror as they saw the victorious smile on Yugyeom’s face.

“Told… you… you... wouldn’t... need... to... worry...”

Every word seemed to take an ungodly amount of energy from Yugyeom, draining him from his life. Jaebum quickly picked up a towel and ran towards Yugyeom, unsure where to press it.

“Go call a fucking ambulance,” he barked at Jinyoung, who immediately ran out of the bathroom. Mark and Jackson came out of their rooms to see what all the commotion was about.

“Come help me instead of standing there! Can’t you see he’s fucking dying?”

Mark ran to his room to grab some towels, while Jackson helped Jaebum apply pressure to Yugyeom’s wounds. He was already unconscious.

“I uh I called… uh the ambulance should be here soon,” Jinyoung said, still not believing what was happening.

Jaebum looked at him in disgust. He slowly turned his body so he was completely facing Jinyoung.

“You killed him.”

 

 

 

 

Jinyoung let out a small shout as he woke up, panting and shivering, with a cold sweat covering his whole body.

_Move, move, move._

He tried to get up but he was shaking so hard he collapsed in a heap next to his bed. He took in a deep breath and got up again, more slowly. He managed to get himself to the kitchen to get a glass of water, but he felt too dizzy. He sat on the floor, resting his head on his knees. He felt hot and cold at the same time and breathing was becoming increasingly difficult. Jinyoung shuffled to his feet and steadied himself on the counter.

_ What am I gonna do now? Oh God, is Yugyeom dead? Did I kill him? Oh my God  what am I even saying? What’s happening? I feel so weird. Wait what? Where…? _

Jinyoung shook his head in order to clear the fog in his head, but to no avail. He stumbled across the corridor and let himself in the first room he found. He made his way to the occupant’s bed and shook his shoulder.

“Hmmm,” Mark hummed, not wanting to be woken up, but the shaking persisted, “what do you want?”

Mark cracked his eyes open and found a disorientated Jinyoung towering him. He felt slightly alarmed. What would make Jinyoung come to him in the middle of the night? Mark sat up and turned on the light on his nightstand. The  digital clock read 2:49.

“Jinyoung? What’s wrong?” Concern was evident in Mark’s voice.

“I don’t feel very well,” Jinyoung said as he sat down on the bed.

Mark took a good look at Jinyoung. He was trembling uncontrollably and he was taking short, shallow breaths.

“What hurts?”

“Uh… I don’t know. My head. Everything.”

Mark touched Jinyoung’s cheek. It felt unusually warm. He left the room to get a thermometer. After checking Jinyoung’s temperature it read 40.5°C.

“Shit. That’s really high. I’m gonna get Jb. We might need to get you to the hospital.”

“Ok…” Jinyoung said as another shiver ran down his spine. He bundled himself in Mark’s duvet and lay down on his bed.

Mark tried to be as quiet as possible while he made his way to Jaebum’s room. Once he was there, he gently shook his shoulders.

“Hey, Jaebum. Wake up,” Mark whispered. As he had expected, Jaebum didn’t stir.

“Jaebum, wake up it’s Jinyoung,” he said, louder and more urgent this time.

“What? What time is it? What do you want?” Jaebum asked, not entirely awake with his voice still husky from sleep.

“Jinyoung’s sick. His temperature is 40.5°C when I checked.”

That was enough to  chase away the sleepiness in Jaebum’s brain.

“Seriously? Where is he?”

“In my room.”

When they reached Mark’s room, Jinyoung had already fallen asleep with a frown on his face.

“Jinyoung? Hey, wake up.”

Jinyoung half-opened his bloodshot eyes. He looked considerably irritated for having been woken up.

“Huh?”

“Mark told me you have a fever. How are you feeling?”

“Cold. Everything hurts,” Jinyoung replied in a barely audible tone, which worried Mark and Jaebum even further.

“I’m gonna call manager hyung so he can take you to the hospital, alright?”

While Jaebum was on the phone, Mark tried engaging Jinyoung in a conversation to keep him awake until their manager arrived.

“So how long have you been feeling sick?”

“Since I woke up.”

“Yeah? Why did you wake up in the first place? I mean, you seem pretty out of it.”

“I had a dream.”

“What was it about?

“Weird...” Jinyoung said while exhaling. Mark sensed that the conversation wasn’t going anywhere with Jinyoung half asleep so he just let the younger doze off and went to make tea for himself and Jaebum ~~.~~

Half an hour later their manager arrived at the dorm. Mark went to wake up Jinyoung and make him change his clothes.

“Here. I brought you some clothes. Do you need any help?”

“No. No, I’ve got this. Thanks.”

Jinyoung sat on Mark’s bed as he didn’t quite trust himself on his feet. Muscles he didn’t even know he had ached in his body, and it took him ten minutes to change. Once he was done, he managed to take a few steps towards the bedroom’s door, but the world started spinning after that. He grabbed the wall to steady himself. He felt someone gently direct him to the couch. He leaned back and closed his eyes.

“Hey, don’t fall asleep. We need to leave.”

“I’m coming too,” Mark said, already getting up.

“No, you need to stay here. We don’t know when we’ll be back.The guys are gonna panic if they wake up in the morning and see the three of us are missing.”

“But-” Mark started to object, but then he interrupted himself and he sighed. Jaebum had a point. “I guess you’re right. Well, call me when you get to the hospital.”

“Of course. See you later.”

“Bye.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really really really hope I'm gonna update sometime this week so stay tuned *evil laugh*


	3. Not to be confused with an illness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I wrote a whole chapter in one day... W O W  
> I hope you like it!

One moment he was in the car, another he was on a hospital bed. Jinyoung opened his eyes and looked around. He felt utterly exhausted and all he wanted to do was turn around and go to sleep. But then he saw Jackson staring at him weirdly.

“He’s alive! You’re alive!” He exclaimed loudly, which made Jinyoung’s head throb. He noticed that everyone else was there as well. How he had not seen them the moment he’d cracked his eyes open was beyond him. 

“Hyung, aren’t you tired from sleeping?”

“Oh my god we were so worried!”

“Is this why you’ve been acting so weird recently?”

“Why didn’t you tell us you were sick?”

Jinyoung blinked at the sudden explosion of chaotic explanations.

“I- uh- Because I wasn’t sick before tonight-” He paused for a second. “Wait what time is it?”

“8 in the afternoon. You slept for almost a day,” Youngjae said. “Are you hungry? We brought some food for you.”

“Well, that’s considering you guys didn’t eat it all.” Jaebum glared at everyone, who smiled sheepishly.

“But we still left him the good stuff!”

Jinyoung tuned out the conversation and went over what had happened the night before. He remembered the shivering, the tightness in his chest, the trip to the hospital, even though his memories were all muddled. Something was missing though. He tried to remember it but he couldn’t. It was like a word  on the tip of his tongue that he couldn’t quiet recall. Then it hit him suddenly and hard. He remembered the dream, the argument, Yugyeom and the fucking blood. He went pale as he glanced at Yugyeom, but he couldn’t hold his gaze and he cast his eyes down immediately. He shifted in his bed uncomfortably and tried to sit up as he winced due to his sore muscles. That seemed to draw everyone’s attention.

“Are you okay?” Mark eyed him worriedly. “Do you need us to get someone?”

“Could-” Jinyoung cleared his throat. “Could you give me some water?” Yugyeom shoved a bottle in his hands with no hesitation. Jinyoung took it gratefully and gulped down half of it in one go.

“So when can I go home?” He asked.

“I’m not sure, but you should be discharged by tomorrow night if your fever doesn’t rise again. They might want to keep you here longer since they have no idea what caused it,” Jaebum answered. Jinyoung sighed and dropped back on the bed, closing his eyes.

“Great,” he whispered. Jaebum smiled sympathetically.

“Well, we’ll let you rest then,” he said. Jackson patted Jinyoung’s shoulder as he got up. Jinyoung didn’t remember when he fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

 

He was discharged the next day, with a strong recommendation from the doctor to refrain from doing any strenuous activity for  the next week. He didn’t have any dreams for the next two weeks, but he still couldn’t look Yugyeom in the eye. All he could think about when he saw Yugyeom was how someday he would somehow do something to cause  _that_ to happen.  He couldn’t neither eat nor sleep well, but he chalked it up to being sick. It was ridiculous to think that the dreams would affect him so seriously. Yeah, it was just the fever that was still messing with his head. 

Then the dreams returned.  _Or whatever they were._

He didn’t even know if he could call them dreams. They were more like fragments of long-lost memories coming back to him randomly during the day. He didn’t know whether he was going crazy or if stress, sleep deprivation and illness were messing with his brain. The worst was when he needed to focus, which was basically all the time. His attention span had apparently been reduced to that of an 8 year old. He knew that no one said anything because they thought he wasn’t 100% healthy yet. It frustrated them, and him as well.

 

“You killed him! You killed him!” Jaebum shouted and threw himself on Jinyoung. They both collapsed to the ground, but Jaebum sat up immediately as he landed a fist onto his face… or was it his stomach? Why was everything so blurry?

 

“-uong. _JINYOUNG!_ ”

His head snapped up and he saw the director give him an annoyed look. “Are you even listening? Come on, we need to reshoot this scene.”

Jinyoung felt like he was floating a few centimetres above the ground. He couldn’t think straight for himself, so he just did what he was told. Images of blood and the  _look_ Jaebum had given him kept flashing before his eyes. He tried his best to ignore them, but they were like insects around a light bulb.  Sometimes they would get out of sight, but the buzzing was still there. He couldn’t completely forget them.

When they finally wrapped up the shooting, Jaebum approached him.

“What’s up with you today?”

_ punch punch punch _

“What do you mean?”

_ pain pain pain _

He winced.

“I don’t know. I’m just worried you’re getting sick again.”

_He looks so sincere._

_bruises blood_

“I don’t know honestly. I… I’ll probably get better once… once I get some rest.”

 

He had been staring at the black ceiling for hours. Every time he even came remotely close to falling asleep he would see Jaebum beating him up. In front of Yugyeom. Right in front of all the blood. He knew he couldn’t go on like that, but he had no idea what was happening to him. He imagined Jaebum’s reaction if he told him about the dreams. He imagined the slightly confused eyes and the half smile on his face. He imagines the incredulous “ _Are you for real?”._

He sat up and rubbed his eyes, deciding to grab his laptop to watch some stupid sitcom. At least it would distract him. He wanted to read, but he was so tired he was sure he would fall asleep after reading two lines. And he just didn’t _want_ to fall asleep. Every time he saw the “other” GOT7 something twisted inside of him. It was like he knew them even though they seemed like total strangers. He knew he didn’t belong _there_ with _them_. It was like his personal hell. He couldn’t even begin to understand why he was acting like a little shit.

_But that’s not me._

But those were his words that had cut Yugyeom’s lifeline.

He was startled out of his internal monologue by the creaking of the door. BamBam was standing in the hallway, tears streaming down his face.

“Why did you kill him? Why are you still alive?”

Jinyoung let his laptop slip down his lap as he gaped at BamBam’s dark form. He could hear every heartbeat distinctly along with the constant rush of blood.

_Why am I still alive?_


	4. The sound of the soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahem, how does one write dialogue?

“Hyung, why are you still awake?”

BamBam watched as Jinyoung’s expression morphed into that of pure horror. He let his laptop slip from his lap. The loud sound that followed seemed to shake him out of his daze. He blinked several times before looking at BamBam.

“Did I really startle you that much? You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”

Jinyoung eyed him wearily. His heart was still thumping hard. He could see BamBam clearly. It was _his_ BamBam, but his voice was muffled, almost as though he was behind an invisible wall. Jinyoung had no idea where the wall started, where it ended, whether it even had a door. Somehow he managed to pick up his laptop and give a convincing enough answer to get BamBam out of his hair. He was so fucking tired. But no, he didn’t want to see all the blood and gore again. It didn’t matter if he had to stay awake until his eyes dried out. On the other hand, though, he knew he shouldn’t let some silly nightmare affect his life so much. The best course of action would be to talk to someone, get some help. Maybe some sleeping pills would help him. Yeah, those were probably an even better option. Talking would just put him into a mental institution. The pills would calm his nerves. The nightmares were caused by stress and nothing else. He dragged himself out of bed and headed to the bathroom. He rummaged through the cupboards until he found what he was looking for. He popped up three pills and swallowed them dry.

BamBam couldn’t sleep either. He decided to go to Jinyoung since his bedroom’s light was on. After hearing Jinyoung mumble something about not being able to sleep and subsequently locking himself in the bathroom for 10 minutes, he decided to let it go and distract himself with something else. He was picking up the remote control when something caught his eye. There was a tiny, black, shiny box on the coffee table. It was so dark that it contrasted the night’s darkness and he could see it even without the lights on. The box had a strange aura to it. It emanated powerful waves of an indescribably strong energy. BamBam carefully picked it up and examined it closely. He had never seen it before and he was sure it didn’t belong to anyone else in the house. On the sides of the box, there were carvings of exotic symbols that seemed alien and familiar at the same time. There was no lid on the box, though. BamBam had no idea how to open it. He brought it up to his ears and shook in gently. He almost dropped the box when he heard a harmonious sound coming from it. He wasn’t sure whether he could describe it as music. The rhythm and the melody were so perfect he knew for a fact that they couldn’t have been generated by a normal instrument.

“What’s that in your hand?”

The delicate glass bubble was suddenly shattered. The sound wasn’t pleasant anymore. Then it disappeared altogether. BamBam clutched the box harder and discreetly slipped it in his pocket. He gave Yugyeom a dirty look.

“Dude, you gave me a heart attack! Why are you awake anyway? Is this the official insomnia night?”

“I was just getting breakfast. It’s half past five, you know.”

“Already?” Had he really been that immersed in the box’s sounds? “I must’ve lost track of time then...”

“Did you even go to sleep last night?”

“Yeah, I mean no. Maybe. I don’t know.”

Yugyeom raised his eyebrows at BamBam’s response.

“You really gotta stop doing that. It’s not good for your health. And go take a shower ‘cause you smell like a dead raccoon.”

“Shut up.”

BamBam rolled his eyes and stood up to get ready for the day. Once he was in his room, he got the box out of his pocket and softly ran his thumb over it. He felt a strange sense of longing for the music he had apparently been listening to for hours. He tried shaking the box again but no sound came out of it. He wanted to hear that sound again and again and listen to it forever, but the loud shouts of the others urging him to hurry up made him choose against it. After all, he could always come back to the box if he hid it well. Why did he even need to hide it? It wasn’t like the others would sneak into his room to steal that one particular object that didn’t even belong to them. But BamBam hid the box in his underwear drawer anyway.

 

Jinyoung was feeling utterly amazing. He had finally got his first refreshing night’s sleep in weeks. The pills had worked and they had done an astounding job. He had been free of nightmares for that night, so he supposed that they had really been the result of excessive stress and gruelling schedules.

“Good morning!” He chirped as he walked into the kitchen to eat something disgustingly sweet for breakfast. Surprisingly, he didn’t need coffee that morning. Nothing could dampen his mood, not even the invisible haze that his brain seemed to be caught in. So instead of wallowing in sorrow again, he laughed obnoxiously and smiled so much his face hurt.

 

 

_Tragedy strikes the Kpop industry: GOT7’s maknae Yugyeom commits suicide… GOT7 haven’t released a statement yet… rumours of bullying… weren’t close… disbanding…_

Jinyoung aggressively closed the articles on his phone and threw it aside. He was staring at his reflection in the polished mirrors of the dance studio, hoping no one would bother him there. He looked down at his shaky hands. His clothes were still stained with blood. Yugyeom’s blood. He never meant to hate Yugyeom. It just happened. The boy seemed to be good at everything. On top of that, he was confident and everything Jinyoung wasn’t. Was it jealousy? Maybe. But no, there had to be more to it. It was a feeling he couldn’t explain with everything going on and all the thoughts rushing in his already muddled brain. He started rocking back and forth and clutching at his hair. His stomach twisted and turned, his head spun and spun until he couldn’t tell whether he was kneeling in front of Yugyeom’s lifeless body again or if he was still curled up on the floor.

He didn’t register BamBam coming in, even though he slammed the door so hard the whole building shook. He stood in front of Jinyoung and grabbed his arm roughly, forcing him to stand up. Jinyoung didn’t look him in the eyes.

“Look at me.” No reaction. “I said look at me!” BamBam raised his voice. He pushed Jinyoung into the mirrors.

“Why did you kill him?” BamBam asked in a broken voice, “why are you still alive?”

Jinyoung still refused to raise his head. BamBam felt anger rise up in his chest, yet he felt weak and helpless. He pushed Jinyoung against the mirror again to get a reaction out of him. After struggling for a few minutes, Jinyoung broke free of his hold.

“Get off of me,” he scowled. “I don’t care what happened to your precious Yugyeom. Even if I was dead all of you would still blame me for all of this.”

“Well maybe you should be dead instead of him.”

Jinyoung’s head shot up. He took a deep breath and smiled.

“Why don’t you try to take revenge then? Punish me for all the bad things I have and haven’t done to you. You’ve hated me since the day we met anyway.”

“ _I_ was the one who hated you?” BamBam yelled, tears brimming in his eyes. “You’re the one who treated all of us, but especially Yugyeom, like shit for no reason!” Tears streamed down BamBam’s face while he threw his fists into Jinyoung’s chest. “I wanted to be your friend, but you ruined it all by pushing me away. Not just me. All of us.”

BamBam’s words were like knives penetrating his lungs and heart and brain. He didn’t want it to be like this. He couldn’t bring himself to accept the fact that somebody actually _tried_ to care about him and bring him out of his shell. But he had ruined it. As usual.

“Why did you do this? Just tell me why! I want to know! I _need_ to know! Are you jealous of him? Do you think you can treat him like that, bully him everyday just because he bites his tongue and stays patient, hoping you’d drop the asshole act?” BamBam’s voice broke several times while speaking. He couldn’t stop the tears falling like raindrops. He wiped them roughly. “He thinks it’s an act. I guess he’s just wrong and you’re really an insecure person who has to lash out at people to make himself feel better,” he said bitterly.

Yugyeom, Yugyeom. Everything had to be about him. Jinyoung didn’t want to hear more of it. He was tired of Yugyeom and how everyone seemed to adore him. He was dead. He didn’t exist anymore. Why didn’t people stop talking about him?

“Stop speaking as if he’s still alive.”

 

Jinyoung felt dizzy. Everything seemed to be fading in and out of darkness. He managed to take a few steps and plop himself on the small couch in the dance studio.

_Wait, when did I get here?_

He put his head between his knees and locked his hands on his neck. It was wrong, so wrong. Everything was completely out of control. He knew he looked awful. He was shaking and rocking back and forth. He flinched when felt a hand on his shoulder. It seemed to trigger something sinister in his brain. He started hurting all over. He groaned and touched the spot on his head that had hit the mirror when BamBam had pushed him.

_But that wasn’t me. That wasn’t BamBam. Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop STOP!_

His chest ached with dull pain. Was it BamBam’s or Jaebum’s punch? His stomach, head, chest, legs, ribs, everything hurt. It wasn’t just physical pain. There was a pain he couldn’t quite explain. It was hard to explain everything that was going on in his brain. Then the pain stopped as if someone had hit the off switch. Jinyoung’s vision was blurry, but he could see that he was lying on the ground. When had that happened? He tried to get up but he was too weak. He fell on the ground before he was even in a sitting position. He could hears voices around him, but they were all muffled. He decided to close his eyes for a moment.

 

Jaebum watched Jinyoung act cheerful all day. He seemed to be in a good mood. During dance practice he danced with much more power than usual, as if it was the most important performance of his career. He looked extremely focused, but there was something in his eyes that made him seem miles away. Jaebum found it strange, even more than the way Jinyoung had been acting lately. But who was he to complain about his best friend being happy?

During their last song, Jinyoung suddenly stopped dancing. He broke the complex formation and stumbled on his way to the couch, almost falling on it. Jaebum instantly went to check up on him while someone switched off the music. To say he was worried was a gross understatement. Jinyoung had been feeling under the weather for weeks and even though he tried not to show it, Jaebum still noticed the bags under his eyes and how he picked at his food, but he couldn’t afford to take a break, so he just pushed through. Jaebum hesitated before putting a hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder. He wasn’t expecting Jinyoung to flinch so violently. He stood up on his wobbly legs. Jaebum wanted to help him, but he also didn’t want to startle him any further.

“I think we need to give him some space,” Yugyeom suggested. Everyone nodded in agreement.

“Go get some water,” Jackson said.

“Hey, Jinyoung, why don’t you sit down? You look like you’re about to pass out.”

As if on cue, Jinyoung clutched the back of his head and groaned. He doubled over and put a hand over his chest. His legs gave out but Jaebum caught him and gently lowered him to the ground. Youngjae put a towel under his head.

“Should we call an ambulance or something?”

“I don’t know… I don’t think so.”

“Let’s just see how he feels in a few minutes.”

“Is he running a fever again?” BamBam asked.

“No, I don’t think so. He doesn’t feel warm,” Jaebum said, frowning.

Jinyoung tried to sit up, but Jaebum immediately pushed him down.

“Don’t try to get up yet. I can literally see your legs shaking.”

“What happened?”

“Are you ok?”

Jinyoung didn’t answer and stayed motionless on the ground while breathing heavily. Jaebum felt his stomach sink lower when Jinyoung closed his eyes.

“No, shit! Don’t pass out!” He almost yelled.

Jinyoung cracked his eyes open, looking irritated.

“I was just… resting my eyes.”

Everyone chuckled in relief. Jaebum and Yugyeom helped Jinyoung sit on the couch.

“What happened?” Yugyeom asked worriedly and Jinyoung’s insides twisted. He blinked a few times before answering.

“I don’t know. I guess I pushed myself too hard. I don’t think I’m getting sick though.”

Jaebum sighed and rubbed his face.

“You know you shouldn’t do that to yourself.”

Jinyoung didn’t answer. He suddenly found the floor an exquisite work of art. He knew too well that he shouldn’t have overestimated himself, but he knew too little about what was actually happening to him.

“Yeah, you could drop dead someday. I can’t say I’d be sad, but it would be extremely unfortunate,” Jackson chimed in, trying to cheer up the sombre and serious mood.

“Oh my god just shut up and let’s go home.”

“Yeah.”

Jinyoung smiled weakly before standing up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for bearing with me again XD please let me know what you think in the comments!


	5. All this fuss for a little black box?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii  
> I'm alive! I survived yet another school year! I'm sorry I disappeared for so long. And here is a brand new chapter!  
> I honestly have no idea how I managed to repeat "black" "little" and "box" in this chapter so much  
> Enjoy <3

He was in the dance practice room, with his back pressed against the mirror. He could feel the coolness of the glass on his head. BamBam was standing in front of him, breathing heavily and looking at him with pure rage in his eyes.

“You’re right,” BamBam wiped his eyes. “I shouldn’t speak as if Yugyeom were still here.”

“About time,” Jinyoung scoffed. BamBam took a step towards him. Then another one. And another one until Jinyoung could feel the younger’s breath on his face. He smelled like sweat. He probably hadn’t showered since the whole Yugyeom ordeal…  _ Wait how many days ago was it? _

“But do you want to know why he is  _ not _ here?” BamBam said in a low, threatening voice devoid of all emotion. “It’s because of you. Assholes like you, and especially you, did and said so many horrible things to him. And he took it all in without ever defending himself just so he wouldn’t cause some kind of fight or conflict. Everyone took advantage of his kindness till the very end, but that’s enough. I’m not going to let it happen anymore.”

“It wouldn’t happen again even if you didn’t do anything. He’s dead, you know? I guess the suicide gene runs in his family.”

_ Stop stop stop why would you even say that _

BamBam snapped at his words and lunged forwards at him, blindly throwing punches at him. Jinyoung felt every hit with all of his body and soul. It felt good, cathartic even. He wanted to feel this. This was better than everything he felt on a daily basis, even though it was all his own fault. He wanted to stop throwing out careless comments about Yugyeom’s death and everything that surrounded him but then again once you are the designated asshole of a group there’s no going back.

And so he fought back with all the energy he had left, wincing whenever his back hit the now broken mirror in the practice room.

“You motherfucking asshole! I’m going to kill you!” Bambam shouted, “I’m going to take Yugyeom’s revenge.”

He had finally stopped throwing punches at Jinyoung. They both breathed heavily as they wiped their faces of sweat and blood.

“Well that wouldn’t make you any better than me, would it?” JInyoung snickered.

“I don’t care anymore,” BamBam’s voice quivered, “I don’t care. I don’t care. I DON’T CARE!”

He threw himself at Jinyoung, pinning him to the ground. From the corner of his eye, Jinyoung saw something shiny in BamBam’s pocket. Silver, shiny and sharp. A knife. Before he could even process the information BamBam was already holding it against his throat. The next few moments were a blur. He grabbed the knife with his bare hands, feeling the blade cut through the skin of his palms. He grunted and shouted as he struggled with BamBam for the knife. When he finally managed to disarm BamBam, he heard a loud scream, but he was too blinded by the pain coursing through his body to register what was happening. He heard more screaming. He felt a dead weight against his chest and he heard the sickening sound of blade entering flesh. He looked down. BamBam was staring at him with bloodshot eyes and an eerie grin on his face.

“It… it’s all… your… fault,” he wheezed as he struggled to get the words out of his mouth. Blood was already pooling at his feet.

Jinyoung heard more muffled screams.

  
  


He was half sitting half lying on his bed with a book in his hands. He threw it aside as he scrambled his way to the bathroom. His head was spinning. His breathing was ragged. It felt like he was taking all those punches again every time he inhaled. He couldn’t get the image of the bloody knife in his hands and  _ inside  _ BamBam’s body out of his head. It made him gag and once he reached the toilet he emptied all the contents of his stomach. Was it lunch? Dinner? He couldn’t even remember what day it was. He didn’t know what time it was. He didn’t know why he was sitting on the bathroom floor heaving with his head in his hands. Right, the nightmare. The vision. He wasn’t sure what they were anymore and they were becoming more and more horrible each time.

His body ached and it wasn’t just physical pain anymore. It couldn’t be just stress. But then what was it?

_ I think I’m going crazy _

“Hyung, what’s wrong?” A voice cut through the fog in his head. He looked up and he saw Youngjae standing in the door frame with his eyebrows raised.

“I, uhm, I just threw up. Don’t worry, it’s just an upset stomach,” he said, internally cringing at how raspy his voice sounded.

Youngjae stepped forward to help him stand up. His legs were wobbly, but he still managed to stand relatively straight.

“Are you getting sick again?” Youngjae asked in a concerned tone.

“I don’t know. Maybe. Just let me get cleaned up and go to bed. Hopefully a good night’s sleep will help me feel better.” 

He wasn’t even sure who he was trying to convince anymore. Youngjae, himself or… or the  _ other _ him? But that couldn’t be him. He wouldn’t do all those horrible things to the people he held as dear as family.

“If you say so,” Youngjae hummed. “Well then I’ll leave you to get ready for bed. Just don’t hog the shower.”

“Alright,” he smiled. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Jinyoung sighed. Now that Youngjae was off his case he could actually think about what was happening to him. But even the prospect of just  _ thinking _ gave him a headache, so he added it to his problems-for-later list and downed a bunch of sleeping pills after taking a quick shower.

 

_ Blood _

 

_ Shouting _

 

_ Screams _

 

_ Bloody hands _

 

_ A loud beeping sound _

 

Jinyoung groaned as he scrambled to turn off his alarm. He rubbed his eyes as he thought about the images of him stabbing BamBam engraved into his mind. He didn’t know what to make of it. Did it make him a murderer? But BamBam couldn’t be dead. No, BamBam was alive and well and he was not a murderer. 

_ Well what if you are? _

The voice startled him so bad he nearly fell off his bed. He was sure it wasn’t the sound of his thoughts. It was like hearing someone else’s voice in his head. Maybe it was  _ him _ ?  He could have been daydreaming or something. He was not ready to accept the fact that he was hearing voices. But then with all the weird things that had been happening to him it wasn’t as unfathomable.

He shook his head and decided to add the voice to his ever growing problems-for-tomorrow list. He calmly made his way to the kitchen. He could see BamBam sitting on his bed from the slight crack of his ajar bedroom door. His first instinct was to quickly avert his eyes from the boy, but the sight of a small, black box stopped him. He felt an instant urge to rip it away from BamBam’s hands, to protect it. An inexplicable wave of anger washed over him as he barged into BamBam’s room. He  _ needed _ to get what was his.

“What is that? What do you think you’re doing with it?” 

His voice got louder and louder with each syllable that came out of his mouth.

“What?” BamBam asked, with a startled and perplexed expression. He flinched when Jinyoung snatched the box away from him.

“Are you deaf? What were you doing with this?” Jinyoung shouted as he shook the box in BamBam’s face. He was clutching the box so tightly his fingers had turned white. BamBam gaped at the now seething Jinyoung. It wasn’t a common sight to see him so angry.

“I was just looking at it. Is it yours?”

“Yes, it is,” Jinyoung spat out in a venomous tone, “where did you find this? Did you take it from my stuff? Did you come into my room?”

“Dude, chill. I found it in the living room. I didn’t even know it was yours.” BamBam was starting to get angry as the surprise wore off. 

“Just because you find something around the house doesn’t mean you can just take it without even asking anyone!” Jinyoung shouted.

“Alright, I’m sorry! What’s the big deal anyway? It’s just a little decoration! Why are you so anal about it?” BamBam shouted back as he stood up to face Jinyoung.

“What’s the screaming match about, guys?”

Jinyoung whipped around quickly to see Jackson’s head peeking through the door, looking at both of them questioningly.

“Mind your own business. Especially you.” Jinyoung poked a finger at BamBam’s chest. For a split second it wasn’t just a finger. It was a bloodied knife sticking out of BamBam’s chest. Jinyoung’s vision went blurry for a second. He felt the box slip out of his hand.

“Oh look! You’ve dropped your precious little box! Quick! Pick it up or I might steal it again,” BamBam said in a mocking tone.

Jinyoung glared at him one last time before hastily picking up the box and leaving the room, muttering under his breath. BamBam rolled his eyes and looked at Jackson.

“What are you looking at?” he asked harsher than he had intended to.

“Nothing. Just processing what happened here.”

“Don’t ask me,” BamBam threw his arms up in exasperation. “He was the one who started it all. I was just looking at that damn box or whatever it was.”

Jackson opened his mouth to say something but he was quickly interrupted by BamBam.

“And no, I’m not going to apologise to him. If anything, he should be the one saying sorry to  _ me _ .”

Jackson sighed.

“I wasn’t going to ask you to apologise to him because I’m not your mom. And he’ll come around to you eventually. He doesn’t hold a grudge for long. Just be a little considerate of him. You know how he’s been lately.”

“Well it’s not my fault something crawled up his ass and died!”

“Seriously, all this fuss for a little black box?” Jackson shook his head, “what was inside it anyway?”

“I don’t even want to know at this point. Now get out, I need to get ready or we’ll all be late.”

“Ok. Hurry up. I came here to tell you to hurry up in the first place,” Jackson snickered as he dodged a dirty shirt thrown at him.

 

***

Jinyoung breathed heavily as he dropped the box on his desk. He examined it very carefully. It was pitch black, so black he was afraid he would drown in it if he looked at it long enough. There were runes, pictures and patterns carved into it in an exotic gold colour. There were shiny blue gem stones in each corner of the box, emanating a mysterious light that changed colour whenever they were touched. Just as he was about to inspect the box for an opening he heard someone shouting for him to hurry up.

_ Right. Work and responsibilities. _

He could get back to it after he came back home. He just had to keep it safe until then, even though he wasn’t sure from what.

_ But this is more important than work. _

Maybe it was, but he couldn’t be wasting any more time. His heart started racing when he remembered the way he had talked to BamBam and the knife -or was it his finger?- he had shoved in his chest. He needed to apologise to him. He couldn’t become a murderer again.

So he shoved the box in his bag and he put on whatever he could find on his bed, not caring whether it was clean or not and hurried his way to their car. He bumped into BamBam and their eyes locked for a moment, but he quickly looked down and got into his seat.

_ Coward _

_ *** _

It was already half past nine when they finally got back home. Jinyoung had finally mustered up enough courage to hold a conversation with BamBam without feeling like he wanted to escape through the window every time he looked at his face. He took a deep breath and knocked on BamBam’s door.

“Come in.”

Jinyoung carefully padded towards BamBam who was sitting on his bed, laptop on his lap.

“Hey, look I wanted to say sorry for this morning. I know I overreacted. I really don’t know what came over me.”

“It’s ok hyung,” BamBam smiled. “I’m sorry too for taking your box.”

“Yeah…” Jinyoung croaked out.

“Hey do you want to go out with me and Yugyeom next week? It’ll be good to relax together for a few hours.”

Jinyoung’s heart skipped a beat. He didn’t even dare to imagine how awful he would feel with both Yugyeom and BamBam there. And it made him feel bad for them because BamBam sounded genuinely excited and it was in no way their fault.  _ He  _ was the problem.

“I don’t know,” he broke eye contact with BamBam. “I don’t really feel like going out. Sorry.”

“Well you have a week to think about it. Tell me if you change your mind alright?”

“Ok…”

Jinyoung let out a breath when he finally stepped out of BamBam’s room. It was time to go back to that tiny mystery that had been sitting in his bag for hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know in the comments what you think is going on *evil laugh*  
> Well, now that I'm free 24/7 I'm going to write more, so I'm going to finish this story and post other ones. I have a few ideas floating around but I would love to take suggestions from you guys as well because I need to write something other than pure angst.


	6. I am my own demise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is like the longest chapter I've ever written. I hope it's not too wordy or confusing.  
> Enjoy!

Jinyoung was sitting behind his desk, staring at the box in front of him. He felt that captivating sensation again and he felt his hands move towards the box of their own accord as he began to inspect it. There was no sign that it could be opened and when he tapped on it, the box didn’t feel empty. Jinyoung traced the entrancing patterns with his thumb. Surely, they had to mean something. If they actually symbolised something and  _ someone _ had made the box, then there was bound to be some kind of information about it. He whipped out his laptop and started to frantically search for anything that would give him a clue about the box. He didn’t quite understand why, but a hunch was telling him that it was related to what was happening to him. He searched for the first thing that came to his mind: black box with gold carvings. But all he found were images of antique jewellery boxes made of metal.  _ His  _ box wasn’t metallic. It was made of a soft, yet firm material that seemed almost unearthly. That couldn’t be it. He had to be more specific. He searched for images of the blue stones, but to no avail. He made his searches so specific Google couldn’t even come up with any results. He sighed and rubbed his dry eyes he was struggling to keep open. He looked at the box intensely for the hundredth time that night. It was just so… black.

“That’s it! It’s  _ black _ !” he whisper yelled.

He typed  _ blackest material ever _ in his browser and for the first time in five hours he managed to find something relatively useful.

_ Vantablack is a material developed by Surrey NanoSystems in the United Kingdom and is one of the darkest substances known, absorbing up to 99.96% of visible light. _

He felt giddy with excitement as he shifted closer to the screen. His eyes were painfully dry and he had to blink every second to clear his blurry vision. That stuff was originally meant to be used in NASA telescopes, but of course people found dozens of other applications for it. To his disappointment, none hinted to a small black box with gold carvings. He didn’t want to give up just yet though. After more searching he found the picture of a drawing that was strikingly similar to the patterns on the box. This time he actually jumped out of his chair. His heart started to beat faster and faster as he hesitantly clicked on the image. But his excitement immediately died down when he saw it on one of those Pinterest aesthetics pages. He slammed his laptop shut in frustration and massaged his temple. He was starting to think the box was just a fancy decoration that had somehow made its way into their house. Maybe it was a gift from a fan? But then why would anyone give them such a thing with no explanation as to what it was supposed to be? And why did it feel so weird to look at?

His thoughts raced as he rested his head against his arms on the desk. He would think about it tomorrow. Yeah, he just needed to rest his eyes.

 

***

As soon as he realized what BamBam had done, he let go of the knife. BamBam fell to the floor with a sickening thud. His world was going in and out of focus. Someone was yelling at him to do something. To call an ambulance. Right, BamBam. Stabbed. Bleeding out right in front of him. He looked down. Youngjae was crouching in front of BamBam, talking frantically into the mobile phone pressed between his shoulder and ear. His hands were covered in blood from where he was trying to keep pressure on BamBam’s wound, but blood was gushing out at a sickening rate anyway. Everything became blurry again. He could only distinguish vague sounds and images. The deafening sound of sirens. Someone shouting. Red blood. Squeaky wheels. He was rushed out of the room and into the ambulance by someone. He flinched when someone touched the wounds on his face. He felt something cool against the back of his head. Someone was talking to him again. Why did they keep speaking? Couldn’t they see that he couldn’t hear them? Speaking of which, what in the world was wrong with him? He hadn’t felt this disorientated since… since-

He was in a pristine white room filled with chairs and noisy people. There were some plants here and there to make it seem more lively but it was bleak all the same. He looked around and saw Youngjae sitting in front of him, head in his bloodied hands. He closed his eyes, trying to drown out all the voices around him. It wasn’t long before he heard distinct footsteps in front of him. He opened his eyes. Jaebum, Mark and Jackson were all standing between him and Youngjae, their backs facing him. He gulped as Jaebum turned around to look him in the eye.

“Why? Wasn’t one person enough? Why do you keep doing this?”

“I already told you he didn’t do it! BamBam was the one who threw himself on the knife.” Youngjae stood up.

“Does it matter?” Jaebum shouted, “you could’ve told the police he did it. Would’ve served him right.”

“Do you really want to ruin him? I thought he was your best friend,” Youngjae replied in a challenging tone.

“I don’t even know him anymore,” Jaebum gritted through his teeth. “Why did you defend him? Why are you still defending him? Why didn’t you just send him to rot away in jail?”

“Because I wanted to tell the police what actually happened instead of lying.”

“Why?” There was a hint of strain in Jaebum’s voice. “Why? He’s the reason why Yugyeom is dead! And BamBam will proba-”

“That wouldn’t make me any better than him, would it?” Youngjae exploded, gaining several disapproving stares from the other people in the room.

Jaebum opened his mouth to challenge him again, but they were interrupted by an exhausted looking doctor approaching them. Jinyoung felt dread grow in his stomach as the doctor guided them to a quiet room and asked them to sit down.

“We have just finished operating on your friend. Unfortunately, his injuries were too severe and he died in the operating room. We did everything we could. I am truly sorry for your loss.”

***

Jinyoung abruptly stood up, supporting himself on his desk. He was tired of this. He was tired of everything. He kicked his chair and took in a sharp breath as the pain set in his foot. Then it hit him.

BamBam was dead.

So he really was a murderer.

First, Yugyeom and now BamBam? Would he just go on until everyone in GOT7 was dead? 

"But that's not me!" He said out loud, hoping for the universe to hear him. "I didn't do anything! Why is this happening to me? Is this karma? What did I even do that warrants this kind of punishment?"

He so desperately wanted to tell someone, and for them to reassure him that he had done nothing wrong, that he was just stressed or sick but not crazy. 

_ Too bad no one would believe you _

He let out a frustrated groan and messed up his hair, tugging and pulling at all the tangles. Everything seemed to be falling apart at the moment and he was powerless. It was as though he had become a spectator of his own life which was being controlled by some unknown force. He snapped out of his thoughts when his alarm went off. Going to the company building was the last thing he wanted to do at the moment. He didn't even know his schedule for the day. He was suddenly hit by a wave of dizziness. Images of red rimmed eyes, a body on a metal table covered by a thin sheet flashed before his eyes.

He made his way to the kitchen for a glass of water to make the dizziness and the string of images just  _ stop _ . He bumped into Jaebum's shoulder before entering the kitchen but he didn't bother to apologise. He needed something to  _ make it stop _ . He felt the glass slip from his hand and break into a million pieces as he was overwhelmed by the sound of heart wrenching sobs he knew wasn't coming from anywhere inside their house.

"Jinyoung, are you ok?" Jaebum put a hand on his shoulder. "Are you feeling dizzy again?"

The concern in his voice would normally make Jinyoung feel safe and maybe a little bit guilty, but this time it was what pushed him over the edge.

"Jesus christ, I'm fine! Peachy! Perfect! Why does everyone keep asking me if I'm ok every time they see me?" He shouted as he shrugged Jaebum's hand off of his shoulder.

"We're just worried about you. You've been distant recently and you look sick and no one really knows how to approach you anymore. Do you really call this fine?"

Jinyoung felt anger bubble up in his chest. He balled his hand into a tight fist

"You don't need to walk on eggshells around me. And don't think I don't hear you whispering about me being an irritable little bitch every time I speak." He shook his fist in Jaebum's face threateningly.

"No one ever meant to make you feel bad. I told you, we're just worried."

"Don't be," Jinyoung's voice was dangerously low. "I never asked you to be." 

He hurriedly shoved past Jaebum, not caring about impaling his foot with the broken glass all over the floor. The others were peering at him with shock and concern. His shouting had apparently attracted some attention. He hated that it was becoming an almost regular occurrence. 

_ Just like the  _ other  _ me _

He sent everyone a death glare before slamming his bedroom door shut. It made him feel like a thirteen year old going through a rebellious phase. He paced around the room, scratching his neck until his skin felt raw. He knew the moment he stepped out of his room he would be bombarded by questions and "are you ok's" that he was definitely not ready to deal with. He wished they would stop asking him that particular question. He didn't know how to answer it. Of course he wasn't ok, but how could he explain what he was going through?

_ No one will believe you _

He ignored the voices calling him and the incessant knocking on his door. Fragments of his nightmares invaded his mind and he buried his face in a pillow in an attempt to stop the tears from flowing.

***

"What the fuck just happened?" BamBam asked no one in particular.

Jaebum took a deep breath to calm himself down.

_ One. _

_ Two. _

_ Three. _

_ Four. _

_ Five. _

_ Six. _

_ Seven. _

"I'll go get a broom to clean this mess up," he said, gesturing at the broken glass.

"What about Jinyoung hyung? Aren't you gonna talk to him?"

"I already did. And as you saw it didn't exactly go well," Jaebum replied grumpily.

"I'll go talk to him," Mark volunteered.

He stopped in front of Jinyoung's room, knocking gently on the door.

"Jinyoung? It's me, Mark. Can you open the door please?" He waited for a reply but none came. "Please, I just wanna talk to you. And we have to leave soon."

Jinyoung kept his door shut and ignored his pleas. He had never shut them out like this before and clearly something was very, very wrong. But he wouldn't tell them and Mark knew he couldn't possibly force the younger to do so.

"He's not opening that door any time soon. What do we do?"

"Let's just tell the manager he's sick or something," Jaebum rubbed his face. "It's not a complete lie anyway."

"But we can't just leave him alone here all day! Aren't you worried about him?"

"I am, but he clearly doesn't want to talk to us and I'm sure he's fully capable of taking care of himself for a day. He's a grown man. Now let's go."

_ It's not like I -we- can do anything, right? He's gonna be alright. He just needs some space to figure things out on his own. _

***

The house was completely silent. Everyone was gone by then. Jinyoung dragged himself off his bed and plopped himself on his chair. He started going through his browser's bookmarks. He felt strangely calm and collected. Just like a ticking bomb. He opened a website he had found the night before. It was a forum for people to discuss their sleeping problems. He had decided to post something to ask for help. It would be anonymous, so he didn’t have to worry about people judging him or telling him he was out of his mind. He had a little hope at the back of his mind telling him that maybe, by some chance, someone else was going through something similar. Maybe they would bond over it and find a solution to it.

After creating an account, he stared at the empty box mocking him with an obnoxious  _ what’s on your mind? _

He cracked his knuckles and started to type.

_ Hi, I just found this forum and I was wondering if any of you could give me some insight into my sleeping problems. I’ve been having these vivid nightmares about myself and people close to me for more than a month and they’re so bad I get physically sick every time I get them. I was even hospitalised after one. They started very suddenly, and now I sometimes see these horrifying stuff when I zone out. I’m a healthy 24 year old male I don’t suffer from any mental or physical illness and they don’t run in my family. I’m starting to get desperate because it’s affecting my job and my personal relationships. I’ve become really moody lately and being in a good mood is a huge asset for my job. I even ditched work today because I didn’t want to face any of my colleagues. I’ve tried sleeping pills and they help to some extent but I have to take more and more pills every time to help me sleep and I’m scared I might overdose on them if I keep going. Do you have any idea about what could be happening to me? Do you know any techniques that could help me fall asleep? I’ve tried all of the traditional ones (pills, tea, milk, music, etc) but none of them have helped. _

He browsed the forum lazily while waiting for someone to reply. Eventually, he saw a few responses to his post. 

_ I think you’re under an immense amount of pressure and stress. You should talk to someone you trust and take a few days off work to blow off some steam. I used to get occasional nightmares when I was your age and I felt better after relaxing for a day… _

If only it was that easy, he thought, rolling his eyes. Besides, it wasn’t like he could get a day off whenever he pleased. He scrolled down to see the next response.

_ You could be suffering from a sleeping disorder or this could be a side effect of an undiagnosed illness (mental or physical). You should definitely book an appointment with your doctor. Best of luck buddy! _

That was actually a good idea. He had been too caught up in his misery to even think about contacting his doctor. He made a mental note to call him later that day.

_ lol if they’re this bad then why don’t you make them into a horror book or something? You could become rich you know. If the book is successful enough then you can sell the rights to a director or something and make even more money. _

Idiot

_ This is just negative energy blocking your good energy channels. You should eat more vegetables and go out in nature. Embrace the beauty in the world around you and avoid people who bring negative energy in your life.  _

Well, what if that person is me you moron? Should I just kill myself to avoid my own negative energy?

_ I strongly suggest you buy my book about how to get rid of the negative energy around you… _

Was this dumbass really trying to sell him their bullshit self-help book?

_ You could be cursed. It’s not a big deal. I was cursed when I was a kid and I know plenty of other people who have gone through the same thing. You just need to find a skilled magician to get rid of the dark magic in your body. Message me if you need one. I will also gladly give you the address to a support group for people with the same traumatizing experience with dark magic. _

It seemed like everything was getting more and more idiotic as he kept on reading. Dark magic? He was desperate for help but he hadn’t become a complete nut job yet.

_ Your nightmares could be telling you about how bad of a person you were in your past life and now you’re being punished. This is karma. Accept your fate and move on. _

He nearly shouted in frustration and deleted everything in a frenzy. Did the internet really make people this stupid or did they just feel safe enough to let on how stupid they were? He hummed to the relaxing music playing in the background as he turned off his laptop. 

He looked around his room in confusion. He hadn’t put on any music but he was still hearing it. It wasn’t coming from outside. The door and window were closed and nobody was home yet. He checked every single electronic device in his room that could be playing music because he did not want to be hearing things on top of seeing things. Suddenly a blue glow from behind his desk caught his eye. It was the black box, and it was glowing beautifully, following the rhythm of the music. It was haunting and enchanting in a good way. He brought the box closer to his ears and let himself get drowned in the pleasant sound. He wasn’t sure how to describe it as it wasn’t like anything he had heard before. The music had a hint of nostalgia to it, as if it was telling the story of something truly amazing that had eventually come to an end. It made him think of the amazement he felt when he saw the galaxy through a telescope for the first time as a kid. The more he listened to it, the lighter his head felt. He blindly walked to his bed, the box still in his hand, and tucked himself under his blankets. He fell asleep focusing on the music.

***

He woke up the next morning feeling utterly amazing. He hadn’t felt so light and carefree in ages. He greeted everyone with a huge smile on his face, too happy to notice the confused looks they gave him. He went through his day acting as if nothing had happened the day before, doing his job and occasionally joking around with the others, just like the old times. He savoured every bite of his food, noting how it hadn’t tasted so good in weeks, or months or even years.

He was exhausted when he finally dropped down on his bed, but it was a kind of tiredness that felt good because he had been doing something he enjoyed and was passionate about. And on top of all, he had been feeling good all day despite the weird atmosphere around him and the other members.

He picked up the box from his night stand and ran his fingers over it. The music started again. It was barely audible at first, but as the minutes went by it became louder and louder.

And it didn’t stop. It was getting so loud Jinyoung felt like his eardrums were about to burst. He dropped the box and covered his ears with his hands as he groaned in pain. The music had become so shrill and high-pitched it sounded like the screams of someone being murdered. He moaned in pain as he dropped on all fours on the floor, panting and sweating. The sound was unbearably loud now. He felt himself slip into the familiar yet unpleasant sensation of one of his nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, a cliffhanger :)  
> well, what do you think is going to happen to Jinyoung?


	7. So I guess I gotta stay now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an insight into the _other_ Jinyoung's life and what pushed him over the edge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're nearing the end... only one chapter and the epilogue left....  
> I listened to Day6's entire discography while writing this and... damn I'm glad I didn't stick to the same 3 songs on repeat. you should definitely listen to their music. it's really good.  
> Also I typed half of this on my phone so please let me know if there are some mistakes. My proof reading isn't fool proof.  
> This chapter was honestly really difficult to write because even though I had a clear idea of what needed to happen, I didn't know how to make it happen. I hope it doesn't feel too choppy because of the huge time skips.

It is often said that your earliest memory is a hazy recollection of an event that happened at the age of three or four. Anything earlier than that is most likely a fake memory. Not for Jinyoung, though. He could clearly remember that night he had a nightmare and his mother had come into his room to comfort him. He couldn’t have been older than two. He had felt so scared, even when his mother had come to comfort him. But she had to leave eventually. Even though was still feeling scared.

Years later he figured it was a very fitting first memory for him.

Some of his later memories weren’t much better either. He remembers his parents fights and loud screaming about who was more responsible for taking care of the kids. His older sister would try to distract him -and herself, he later realized- by playing with him the loudest games she could think of.

It wasn’t all misery, though. He could still remember the way he used to play hide and seek with his mom when he was six, the hot summer day they all went to get ice cream and walked around town, laughing and joking around. They had felt like family that day.

He was eight when he realized that sometimes even trying your best isn’t enough to be considered enough. He had got home excitedly from school that day, eager to show his perfect score to his parents.

“Mom! Dad!” he said in a boisterous voice, “I got a 100 in my maths test! Look! I even got a star for it!”

His father hummed in response.

“Oh, your sister has done that as well," his mother said absentmindedly.

As he grew older, his happy memories became rarer and far in between. He learned quickly that he had to do something his sister had never achieved to get some kind of acknowledgment from his parents, but it seemed like she was always a step ahead of him in literally everything.

His parents grew more and more distant through the years, but shit finally hit the fan when he was in middle school. His parents had lost their jobs within two months of each other. They had never been particularly well-off so it hit them hard. They would have become homeless if it weren't for his aunts and uncles' help. But it tore apart their relationship with their siblings. His parents were never able to pay them back.

The atmosphere in their house was tense. It felt drier than usual. It didn't help that his parents blamed everything that went wrong in the house on him. He had become an outlet for his family to take out their stress and anger on.

Broken microwave? It was because Jinyoung hadn't used it properly the last time.

Broken computer? It was because of all the games he played and now his sister couldn't use it for studying? How could you be so selfish? 

Whenever anyone got angry it was because Jinyoung had done this and that. He was the one to blame even when he was the one who lost his temper. It was true to some extent, but he found it unfair because his sister started many more arguments than him and she was not once scolded for it. Their parents brushed it off as the stress of applying for university, which was also true, but Jinyoung found it unfair nonetheless.

He sometimes wondered if his parents would be happier without him. If he wasn't there they wouldn't have to worry as much about money for his school books and supplies and  _ him _ in general. His sister would land a scholarship with her grades and they would only have to worry about paying rent and buying food. It was a stupid thought in hindsight, but there was some truth to it all the same.

He was in high school when he was scouted by an entertainment company. He was so excited he could finally do something he loved and make his parents proud of him for once.

He was readily disappointed by his parents’ lack of enthusiasm. He had thought that showing them that he was just as talented as his sister, albeit in a different way, would make them proud. Not at all, he found out.

“Don’t you remember the days when we went hungry? The winter days without warm water? Do you want to live like that for your entire life? Why are you doing this to us? We didn’t work this hard for you to throw it all away,” his mom went on rambling as usual.

“I don’t care just do whatever you want,” his dad had said, “but try to be rational. You’re old enough to understand the repercussions of your decisions. We just want you to be happy.”

“ _ This _ is what makes me happy,” he replied, casting his eyes down.

_ I don’t care  _ was all that stuck with him for years.

He ranted for hours with his sister, who just listened without saying anything.

“You know mom and dad and I love you a lot,” she finally said, carefully, “they’re just worried that if this doesn’t work out you won’t have anything else to fall back on. And to be honest, I’m worried as well. I think you should think twice before moving to Seoul.”

He felt a pang in his chest.

“Then what do I do if I stay here? Become an engineer or a doctor?” he asked, his voice wobbling as he struggled to keep back his tears. “You know I’m not cut out for that kind of job.”

She frowned.

“Of course you are. And even if you don't want to, I'm sure you are smart enough to get a good and secure job. What makes you think you aren’t?”

_ You _ , he had wanted to say, but he opted to stay silent while staring at his shoes. He had automatically assumed that his sister would support him no matter what because she was just so nice.

He had never felt so cheated and betrayed in his entire life.

He moved to Seoul the next month. His parents stopped talking to him the moment he stepped out of his, now their, house. They never gave him a penny. He kept in touch with his sister. He couldn’t keep a grudge against her. Not even against his parents. He understood them, but he also wanted  _ them _ to understand him. His sister sent him a card and some money on his birthday. He was pretty sure it was out of pity for him. He never spent that money.

He met Jaebum in Seoul. He wasn’t a ray of sunshine either, but he made him happy. Maybe that’s why they became so close so quickly. Jaebum knew that his relationship with his family wasn’t the best, so he didn’t pry too much. Instead, he was always there when it all got too much for Jinyoung and he needed someone to just listen to him. But Jinyoung would never tell him about some of the stuff that happened to him. Even though he knew Jaebum wasn’t one to judge him about that kind of issue, his own insecurities made it impossible for him to be completely honest with anyone. Maybe that’s what ruined him in the end.  

Even then his friendship with Jaebum brought a light to his life he had never experienced before. He had never had so much fun before sneaking out with Jaebum after practice to get the newest unhealthy street food or talking until dawn, and getting death glares from their roommates. He felt genuinely happy when he collapsed in bed exhausted after hours of practicing. When it was announced that he would debut with Jaebum, he had smiled so much his face hurt. He didn't even know it was possible for him to be that happy. He had tried calling his parents to tell them the good news, but they never picked up. His sister did, and she told him that she was proud of him. She even promised to talk to their parents for him. It made his heart swell with love and acceptance.

Something was missing, though. Thinking back, even in moments of genuine happiness there was an empty hole in his chest. 

Then they were given the opportunity to debut in a group with five other boys. It was around that time he started searching for unconventional methods to feel better because all those self-help books weren't making the emptiness in his chest go away. His mood was worsening each day and the pressure of going through debut once again made it even worse. He searched for ways of dealing with the stress, even going as far as purchasing some expensive and very illegal drugs. He was pretty sure he would have become an addict had Jaebum not flushed all of it down the toilet after scolding him for being so, so stupid. Things got better for a while. After that night, Jaebum would always make sure to talk to him and let him blow off some steam everyday. They sometimes sneaked out after practice. It felt like going back to their old trainee days. But their schedule was becoming more and more packed with practice and they simply didn’t have time to anymore. They were both getting carried away and Jinyoung found himself alone again.

Then he found that website.

At first it seemed like a prank. It promised so many good, yet unreachable, things. The website’s premise was ridiculous. It talked about mysterious appearances and disappearances in history, linking them to time and dimension travel and going as far as taking responsibility for it. Apparently it was an organization dating back to the 1700s that discovered ways to manipulate time and space. The website looked sleek and professional, like it belonged to a respectable company and not some dark corner of the internet. It was full of videos of people talking about their experiences and showing off various devices they had built by using the organization’s manuals. Everything about it made it come across as convincing, trustworthy and full of hope. Maybe that was why Jinyoung decided to order their  _ jump to another dimension and live the life you deserve  _ package. He just needed a little bit of hope.

Two weeks passed before he actually got a response. They had sent him an email telling him to meet someone at a restaurant in a very busy neighbourhood. He was surprised at first, thinking they would lure him into a shady warehouse and kill him after taking all his money. It was comforting to know that it probably wouldn’t happen to him, but it also made him suspicious that it was all a joke and they would blackmail him into giving them all of his savings.

The man at the restaurant was very friendly and easy going. He was probably a few years older than Jinyoung, but he never bothered with formalities. The conversation flowed easily over dinner and Jinyoung felt more and more relaxed each minute. When they were finally done, the man gave him a shoe box and told him to get out of the restaurant as fast as possible. As Jinyoung scrambled up from his chair, the man grabbed his shoulder.

“If you ever let anyone know about this, I’ll make sure to destroy you. I know every single detail of your life, Park Jinyoung, so don’t even think about doing any funny business,” he whispered in Jinyoung’s ear, his voice void of all the previous kindness.

Jinyoung gulped as he nodded fervently in response. He handed the man a pocket full of money and walked out of the restaurant as fast as he could without getting looks from the other customers.

He could only relax when he got back to the dorm and locked himself in the bathroom. His hands shook in excitement as he opened the box. There were several ordinary looking packages inside along with a thick manual. He read all of it in one go. It described every single step of the construction of his little machine in so much detail he didn’t even have any doubts or questions after reading it. There was a long set of rules he had to follow, but one of them was printed in a bright red ink at the end of each page.

_ Do not, under any circumstances, let your parallel self come into contact with you or your machine.  _

He spent the rest of the night inspecting the blue stones and the black material. There were countless wires and weird looking screws that, according to the manual, served a very specific purpose.

Building the machine was harder than he anticipated, even if the device would just end up looking like a little black box. Living with six other people left him with virtually no privacy and he couldn’t keep locking himself in the bathroom without the others asking questions, so he started using empty rooms and studios at the company under the pretense of extra practice. Even then, it wasn’t going well at all. The manual had said that it could take anywhere from two to a record of thirty one years to build the machine and Jinyoung was convinced he would set a new record at the pace he was going. He felt like he was going back to the small, dark hole he had been in before debut. It was only getting worse. The manual had said that the machine would take a lot of energy out of him, that he would become angry and irritable and depressed before it got better. It would be worth it in the end. Nothing was going to stop him from being happy.

After a while, the physical and mental stress caught up to him and he couldn’t talk to anyone without snapping and lashing out at them. The others, especially Jaebum, worried and tried to get through to him, but after a while they just stopped talking to him when they didn’t have to. That didn’t stop his nastiness though. He needed to get rid of his frustrations somehow. That’s when he started provoking everyone else with insensitive and cruel comments and jokes. They mostly ignored him, which in turn made him even more frustrated because he  _ needed _ to shout and yell and fight with someone. The only person who tolerated his bullshit was Yugyeom. He never fought back or told Jinoung to shut up and stop bothering him. He was deeply affected by the elder’s remarks and he sometimes couldn’t hold back his tears in front of him. And it gave Jinyoung more fuel to torment him.

 

It had been four years since he had ran out of that restaurant. Four years since he had opened that shoe box that promised happiness. Four years since he had had a real conversation with Jaebum and his sister.

He was going to leave all of that behind now. He was ready to go away. He was finally going to get what he deserved.

He couldn’t bring himself to do it without saying goodbye though, so he decided to leave a note for the others.

_ I’m sorry it has to end like this, but I can’t take it anymore. I can’t bring myself to keep on living like this. You’ve been a great friend to me, Jaebum. Without you, I would have been gone long ago. I’m sorry I treated all of you the way I did. _

He neatly folded the note and left it on the kitchen counter as he excitedly waltzed through the living room where his shiny little box was sitting on the coffee table. He took a deep breath as he reread the instructions for the tenth time that night. He couldn’t afford making a mistake and wasting his hard work and sleepless nights of four years. He didn’t notice a shadow walking past him.

Just as he was about to unleash his machine’s real powers, a voice startled him so bad he knocked it off the table.

“Jinyoung hyung?” It was Yugyeom. Of course it would be Yugyeom. “Jinyoung hyung, what are you doing?” And he sounded worried and  _ scared _ and it made Jinyoung’s blood boil.

“What the fuck are  _ you _ doing? It’s three in the morning for god’s sake.”

“I found this in the kitchen,” Yugyeom showed him his note, “What were you going to do?”

“None of your business. Just go back to sleep,” Jinyoung snarled.

“I can’t do that until I make sure you’re ok.”

“Why do you even care? I’m perfectly fine.”

“Then why did you write a suicide note? Is that why you’re sitting here at three o’clock in the morning? You’re waiting for me to go away so you can kill yourself?”

Jinyoung was stunned. So that was why Yugyeom wouldn’t get out of his hair. He thought he would kill himself if left alone. It didn’t make sense. Why did Yugyeom care after years of putting up with him? If it had been any of the others they would have probably rejoiced at the possibility of getting rid of him.

“And what if I was? Why would you stop me? I thought you and everyone else hated me.”

“We don’t hate you,” Yugyeom replied in a small voice. “Please, just come back to your room. We can talk about it tomorrow if you want to.”

“Well, I don’t.”

Jinyoung turned around aggressively to look for his box. He was willing to make the jump in front of Yugyeom at this point. He didn’t care about the guy at the restaurant warning him about  _ funny business _ . He wouldn’t be able to get to him anyway. But he couldn’t find it anywhere. He turned on all the lights and threw the cushions around, but it was nowhere to be found.

“No, no, no, no, no. Where is it?” he muttered.

“What are you looking for?” Yugyeom sounded scared.

“Where is it?” he shouted, while moving around the couch. “I can’t find it. It was here. It was  _ right here _ .”

Then it dawned on him. The box was  _ gone _ . As in gone to another fucking dimension. It had made the jump without him. The manual had warned him about this. It had warned him about how distractions would affect his jump. He had been so stupid. He should never have tried to do it in their goddamn living room. He could have done it outside, but he was just so excited to finally get out of  _ this _ that he hadn’t given it a second thought.

He was stuck in there.

He would never get out.

And it was all Yugyeom’s fault.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he flinched away violently. It was Jaebum, who was looking at him with so much concern and  _ love _ in his eyes it made his stomach twist.

He deserved none of it. Not after all he had done to them.

“What’s going on?” he asked in a relaxing voice.

Jinyoung gave him and Yugyeom a disgusted look.

“Nothing. Our precious little maknae decided that I needed a pep talk for getting a midnight snack.”

“It didn’t look like a midnight snack though,” Jaebum raised his eyebrows. “And that note sure doesn’t make it look like one.”

“I didn’t even write it,” he rolled his eyes. “Look, there’s no name on it. It could’ve been Jackson for all we know. You know how much of a pissy little thing he is about missing his parents.”

He left before Jaebum had time to reply to him. There was so much anger simmering inside of him that taking it out on another person would make it worse. It was the kind of anger that you can’t express, the one that eats you up from the inside.

The next day went by in a blur. He made it a point to snap back at Jaebum and Yugyeom so much until the concern in their eyes turned into frustration and anger.

Then Yugyeom received the news about his mother. She had committed suicide. Everyone had been at a loss for words when they found out. Jinyoung was the first one to regain his composure.

“You thought you saved me, but you can’t even save your own mother?” he smirked as he walked past, only to be stopped by Jaebum grabbing his collar and pushing him against the wall. Jaebum was so close Jinyoung could feel his breaths on his face. For a moment, he looked like he was going to crush all the bones in Jinyoung’s body. But he didn’t.

“If you speak to him like that ever again, I’ll make you regret it,” he growled.

It all went downhill from there. Now he couldn’t stop himself from bullying Yugyeom even if sometimes he really didn’t mean what he told him. He constantly assured himself that Yugyeom deserved it for taking away the only hope that he had. Sometimes he got tired of tormenting everyone but he couldn't stop. It was the only thing keeping him alive. He wasn't even sure how he had managed to stay alive for so long.

But he had done it, and now he was slowly backing away from a metal table where BamBam lay with a white sheet covering his body. As soon as his back touched the door, he broke into a run not caring what or who he bumped into. He ran and ran and ran until he couldn't feel his legs anymore. He ran until he somehow found himself on a train he didn't even know where it was headed to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a few things I tried to get across with this chapter.  
> 1\. The "tragic" back story isn't intended to justify Jinyoung's actions. It just shows why he did what he did.  
> 2\. Just because you feel like shit doesn't mean you can treat people around you like shit. This is something I sometimes struggle to keep in mind when I'm too caught up in my own head.   
> 3\. Even if he had successfully made the jump, he wouldn't have been happy in his new world. He would have to keep this huge secret and it would push him away from everyone. And besides, how could he even build a new life for himself from scratch when he doesn't even exist in the parallel universe?  
> 4\. If you're struggling, ask for help. There's no shame in it. This is another thing I struggle with and I wanted to share it with other people. If I don't ask for help when I need it, I really can't expect people to know what I'm going through and then blame them for not helping me.  
> AND NOW I CAN FINALLY FOCUS ON MY FAVOURITE CHAPTER OF ALL


	8. But now I must let go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW suicide

When Jinyoung opened his eyes all he could see was the little seemingly innocuous box in his trembling hands. He let it drop to the floor as a sharp pain seared through his head. Everything seemed fuzzy as he scrambled back to his feet, breathing shallow and laboured. He felt his blood boil as he thought about what he had just seen. It was him,  _ himself _ . It wasn’t him, but it was still him. He had been so selfish and he had caused so much pain. He threw the box across the room in frustration, leaving a sizable dent in the wall. He kicked every piece of furniture in his room but it made him feel even more furious. He wasn’t sure if the others heard him as he pushed everything off his desk and rummaged through his closet just to find something to ground him, but he didn’t care. He flinched as another random scene flashed before his eyes for a second before grabbing the box and running out of the house.

He paid no attention to where his feet took him as he stumbled across the streets. He flinched every time he saw a glimpse of the blood, his best friends’ blood, earning himself odd looks from other passersby. The sky was gloomy when he reached the train station. All sounds were muffled as he blindly bought himself a ticket. He couldn’t focus enough to read the destination but he somehow managed to find his train. He felt like everyone everyone was looking at him when he got on the train. The sensation didn’t disappear even when he found himself a seat in the darkest corner of the carriage. His feet jumped up and down and he couldn’t get himself to breathe properly. The atmosphere was stifling. Everybody was staring at him. He could hear faint whispers but he wasn’t sure if they were from the people on the train or from the  _ other  _ side. He wasn’t even sure if they were real. He stealthily hid himself in the bathroom until he heard the announcement that the train had reached the last stop. He stormed out of the toilet, startling everyone around him as he practically jumped off the train, bumping into several people in the process. In his mind, he knew where he needed to go, but he still couldn’t focus on just one thought at once. He pulled his hoodie up as he wandered around the town, looking for some indication of the beach. He refused to look anyone in the eyes, afraid that they might see everything through his eyes. Or that they might see  _ him _ instead of who he really was. Maybe he was just like him. They were the same person, after all, just in different environments. He still had the potential to become like  _ him _ . And it scared him more than anything else.

Soon he was snapped out of his thoughts by a comforting, yet eerie silence. He blinked a few times as he looked around, taking in his new surroundings. He wasn’t in the busy town bustling with busy shopkeepers and businessmen anymore. In a split second of clarity, he took a moment to admire the sight in front of him. There stood a tall, gray cliff, with green plants all over it. Gray waves reflecting the colour of the sky crashed against it, making loud splashing sounds. A gentle drizzle dampened the scenery. The place was completely deserted, as though nobody had ever stepped on those rocks and boulders. No one stopped Jinyoung as he unsteadily followed a rocky path that lead to the top of the cliff.

_ He slipped as the rain got heavier and heavier. _

He flinched at the image of himself scraping his entire chest on the hard rocks.

_ He ignored the pain and continued to climb. _

His heart skipped a beat as he looked down. He wouldn’t survive the impact if he were to fall down on the huge, sharp-edged boulders at the foot of the cliff.

_ The rain washed down the blood on his wounded hand and chest. _

He felt a headache coming on.

_ He stopped. _

He was getting out of breath.

_ He couldn’t see anything in front of him. The rain was too heavy. He kicked down a stone as a loud thunder sounded through the sky. _

He finally stopped. He had reached the top of the cliff. He took a final look at the box in his hand.

_ He couldn’t hear the stone hitting the water with the sound of the roaring and raging sea. He looked down once again. A flash of lighting blinded him momentarily. _

He threw the box as far as he could.

_ He jumped. _

A crushing pain scorched through his head. He fell to his knees, scraping them. An empty void started creeping its way out of his chest, making him want to writhe and scratch at himself until the pain went away so he could just feel in peace for a few minutes. He stayed on the ground for a while, unable to move. He wanted to cry, he even felt tears in his eyes, but they wouldn’t come out. He kicked off rocks and stones off the cliff until both of his feet were bruised and his hands were covered in scratches. 

Getting rid of the box hadn’t been as liberating as he thought it would have been.

It was already pouring when he decided to climb back down. The path was slippery, and he fell down numerous times, making more bruises appear on his body, before reaching the bottom. He was starting to feel numb, though. It felt like an iron armour was growing inside of him around his chest, making his back crouch as he struggled to support the weight. The scratches and bruises that had been hurting a few minutes before were reduced to an almost imperceptible tingle all over his body. He walked around like a zombie, blocking out all of his surroundings. He only snapped out of it when someone touched his shoulder. He flinched back violently before looking up at whoever it was.

“Are you alright, young man?” An elderly man asked him, smiling at him kindly. Jinyoung could only stare at him.

“Do you want to sit down for a while? Maybe call someone? You’ve been standing here for an awfully long time.”

Jinyoung scowled at the man before harshly pulling his arm out of his grasp and running off in the opposite direction.

***

Jackson woke up to the sound of something falling down and making a quite loud bang. He groaned as he pulled his covers up to his ears, cursing whoever was being clumsy that early in the morning. He checked the time on his phone and sighed when he saw that there were only seven minutes before his alarm went off. He closed his eyes and just as he was about to doze off again, the alarm shrieked through the silence. Jackson turned it off grumpily.

Breakfast was quiet. No one was in the mood to talk or joke around like they usually did. Jackson was about to go back to his room when something came to his mind.

“Hey, where’s Jinyoung?”

Everybody looked at him like he had grown horns. BamBam blinked twice before answering.

“I don’t know. He’s probably still sleeping.”

“But he always wakes up early…”

BamBam shrugged in response, still groggy from tiredness. Jackson made his way towards Jinyoung’s room, not quite able to shake away the restless feeling telling him that something was wrong. 

The feeling grew when he saw the state of Jinyoung’s room. It looked like a tornado had passed through it. All the drawers were open, their contents spilling out of them. Books and clothes were thrown on the floor and there was a huge dent in the wall. He started panicking. 

_ What if it was an intruder?  _

He ran around the house shouting Jinyoung’s name and looking in all rooms, but he was nowhere to be found.

“What are you doing? What’s going on?” Mark asked.

“Jinyoung,” Jackson panted, “he’s gone.”

“Relax, maybe he went for a run or something.”

Jackson shook his head passionately.

“No! Just look at his room! And with how he’s been acting lately I wouldn’t be surprised if he ran off to somewhere and then, oh my god, we’re gonna find him in a ditch.”

“Stop being so dramatic. Are you sure he doesn’t have any individual schedule?”

“He doesn’t,” Jaebum answered. “He told me last night he was going to be free all morning. But Mark is right. We shouldn't panic for no reason. I’m gonna call him to see where he is.”

“He didn’t take his phone,” Jackson mumbled.

“What?” Jaebum’s eyes widened in worry. “We… let’s just wait for him. If he doesn’t come back in an hour then we’ll go out and look for him.”

They spent the next hour brainstorming all the places Jinyoung could have gone to.

He didn’t come back.

They split into groups, going to Jinyoung’s favourite places in the city.

“Mark, BamBam, you two should stay home in case he comes back.”

“Isn’t one person enough?” BamBam protested. “I need to look for him as well!”

“Stay home.And no, one person isn’t enough. What if he needs help with Jinyoung? He could be…” Jaebum trailed off. He didn’t want to finish that sentence. Just the possibility of Jinyoung being hurt made his stomach roll.

They looked everywhere. They even went to places Jinyoung would never go to. They searched all over the city and still they didn’t find Jinyoung.

It was dark when they all came back.

“Well? Did you find him?” Mark asked impatiently.

“No… we didn’t…”

The room was suddenly much colder. Jaebum’s heart pounded as anxiety spread through his veins. The fear of not knowing what had happened to Jinyoung was threatening to devour his chest. Still, he had to remain strong for the others.

“We should call the police. Why didn’t we do that earlier? We’re such idiots! Now if something happens to him it’s all our fault!” Yugyeom started to ramble.

“We should call his parents first. He could be at their house you know.”

“Do whatever you want, I’m calling the police.”

Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of the front door being unlocked. Jaebum ran towards the entrance, followed closely by everybody else. He felt his heart clench at the sight of Jinyoung standing in front of him, soaking wet, covered in mud and head hanging low. He grabbed Jinyoung’s shoulders roughly.

“Where the fuck have you been?” He shouted, shaking Jinyoung, but his voice held no real bite.

Silence.

His eyes were still locked at the ground.

“Do you have any idea how worried we were?” Jaebum asked softly, his voice almost a whisper.

Silence.

“Jinyoungie, what happened to you?” He cupped the younger’s face as he took in his trembling form, the tears in his trousers just above his knees, the scratches that littered his hands.

Jinyoung shook his head.

“What happened?” Jaebum asked, this time more urgently. “Are you hurt? Do you need a doctor?”

Jinyoung shook his head as he lowered his forehead onto Jaebum’s shoulder, letting out a loud sob. He felt strong, warm arms wrap around him as his knees gave out. He was engulfed in the warmest hug as he cried and cried and cried, latching himself onto Jaebum as if his life depended on him. 

He wasn’t sure how long he had cried for, but the sobs had subsided to occasional sniffles. He rubbed his face with his sleeves as he moved away from Jaebum. It almost made him want to cry again. As his vision cleared just a bit, exhaustion came crashing down on him and he slumped back against Jaebum’s shoulder. He felt more tears coming out of his eyes. Jaebum gently wiped them off.

“How about a hot shower?”

Yeah, that sounded good.

He was helped to his feet and guided to the bathroom. Sounds were still muffled, but much less than the morning. He couldn’t even remember the morning well enough to explain everything.

“Are you going to be ok on your own?” Jaebum asked him.

The shower was running. He could see the steam coming off the water. He was holding some towels and a change of clothes. When did that happen?

“Jinyoung?”

He nodded. Jaebum hesitated before answering.

“Alright then. I’ll be right outside if you need anything.”

Jinyoung stepped inside the shower after stripping off his dirty clothes. The hot water felt great against his skin as he washed off the grime. The water was hot. So hot it made him dizzy, yet he still shivered. It felt like his bones were cold from the inside. He stayed under the water for a few more minutes before Jaebum knocked, asking if he was doing fine. That again. He hated  _ that _ , when people asked him if he was alright when he wasn’t and he didn’t know how to articulate his feelings into words. But he didn’t have any energy left to argue, so instead he stepped out of the shower and dried off, letting himself be guided to Jaebum’s room. A warm cup of tea was placed into his hands.

“Are you feeling better now?” Jaebum asked, gently massaging his neck.

Jinyoung nodded.

“So you wanna tell me what’s going on?”

He felt tears prick his eyes again.

“I know you might not want to and I know it’s difficult, but I want to help you. We were really worried about you today, you know. So please, please tell me what’s been going on with you lately.” Jaebum sounded like he was pleading, and it made Jinyoung feel even worse. So, in between his sobs, he started telling Jaebum everything. From when the dreams started to when he ran off that morning. He left out one small detail, though. He never told Jaebum about the box and he never would, even if everything started with that small box. It was just too risky. 

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to go on with you guys anymore,” Jinyoung whispered. He felt Jaebum tense against his body for a moment. “I don’t know if I can be GOT7’s Jinyoung anymore.”

“Let’s worry about that tomorrow. Just go to sleep for now.”

The next day was extremely unpleasant. He had to meet with his manager and explain everything to him. It was uncomfortable even with Jaebum giving him reassuring smiles everytime he tripped over his words.

“Well how about you rest for a while, away from the stress of promotions and performances?” His manager asked.

“Yeah.”

“How does two months sound?”

“Great.”

_ Great. _

His manager smiled at patted his back as he said something Jinyoung couldn’t care enough to listen to.

In a few days he was ready to move back to his parents’ house. Everyone said goodbye to him with a hug and a  _ see you soon _ , telling him to take care of himself.

He wasn’t sure he would be able to come back, though.

Everyone said they would miss him.

He missed himself, too.

His old self. The confident and strong and caring Jinyoung everyone knew.

“Don’t worry too much,” Jaebum had told him. “You’ll be better in no time and you’ll come back stronger than ever. Just focus on yourself right now.”

Maybe he was right. He just needed to focus on getting better for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
> so how was this chapter? was the story line good enough or is it too obvious that i pulled it out of my ass?  
> btw are any of you participating in the weishen fest? if you're interested, [check out their prompts](https://twitter.com/weishenfest) under their pinned tweet! second wave claiming ends in a few days and there are still many delicious prompts to choose from!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! <3  
> If you noticed any errors please don't hesitate to let me know. This is gonna be a multi-chapter work but I'm not sure how long it will be. Let me know what you think about this fic. :)


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